


Sad Endings and New Beginnings

by 27summer



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 18:36:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1560107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/27summer/pseuds/27summer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Quinntana week Day 7- Free Day. A few months after Finn dies, Quinn and Santana deal with their complicated feelings about him and each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sad Endings and New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re a Finn fan, I wouldn’t read it. I tried to be fair to all the characters and deal with what happens when someone dies before your issues are settled with them.

The sun beat down on Quinn’s neck, causing her hair to stick to her neck but she barely noticed as she stared at the tree in front of her. It was still pretty small. Of course, it had only been planted a few months ago. But it seemed to be waste. The only thing left to remind people at this school of Finn was a stupid little tree and a plaque. Someone who had been such a big part of her life was gone.

Quinn could feel the tears coming and she shook them away. She shouldn’t be crying. It wasn’t like she and Finn had been close when he died. Whatever little friendship they had fell apart when they no longer saw each other daily. That was sad but Quinn wasn’t sure she would change it if she could. If Finn was still alive, it wasn’t as though she would have been hanging out with him. To be perfectly honest, she probably wouldn’t have thought of him at all. Their lives had taken them so far apart. Plus, they both treated each other very badly. She knew that it was probably better that they ended up far away from each other. But that didn’t mean she wanted him dead. She just had so many complicated feelings about Finn and she didn’t know how to express them. That was part of the reason she’d skipped his memorial. Even if she could deal with an outpouring of emotions, seeing everyone lose their minds when she didn’t feel the same would have destroyed her. She’d have looked like a total robot. And she knew everyone would have judged her for it. For not being devastated. And she just couldn’t deal with it. So, she’d stayed away, even though she wanted to be there.

Looking at the tree once more, Quinn felt the need to do something else. Standing and staring at a stupid tree didn’t seem like enough. She wanted to pay her respects but what did that really mean? And who should she pay them to? Finn’s mom? She could hardly bring herself to look her in the eye. Kurt? She barely got along with him and she would probably end up offending him. And Rachel? That was a bad idea all around. She hated how Rachel acted around Finn and if she played the grieving widow, Quinn knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her mouth shut. She would end up hurting Rachel and that was the last thing she wanted to do. So maybe it was better that she just stay away.

“Wow, look who finally showed up. Months late, but I guess life at Yale is too busy to be interrupted for something like a funeral.”

Quinn looked over and found Santana glaring at her. “Don’t start.”

“No, I will. Why didn’t you come? Do you just not give a shit anymore?” Santana demanded, getting into Quinn’s face.

“Of course I care. I wanted to come. I just couldn’t…” Quinn trailed off, her eyes filling with tears again.

At the sight of Quinn’s tears, all of the anger left Santana. She didn’t want to fight with Quinn. She just wanted answers. “Why not?”

“I don’t know. It didn’t seem right.” Quinn hurried to continue when she saw the unimpressed look on Santana’s face. “I’m not explaining it right. I’m sorry Finn’s dead. I am, but I don’t feel as sad as everyone else. If I’m honest, I haven’t given him a thought since I left for Yale. I’m sorry if it makes me selfish-”

“It does.” Santana interrupted but she softened towards Quinn a little.

“Right.” Quinn shook her head remorsefully. “I didn’t want to listen to everyone sanctify Finn when that’s not how I feel. We had a complicated relationship. That doesn’t change just because he’s dead.”

“Are we supposed to talk bad about him? Do you want us to rip him to shreds?”

“Of course not.” Quinn took a deep breath and counted to ten. This was exactly why she’d stayed away. She had know she would say something inappropriate and someone would get offended. She’d never thought that Santana would be the one to feel bad but it wasn’t too surprising.

“What are you saying, Quinn? What do you mean?” Santana was furious but she tried to stop herself from blowing up at Quinn.

“I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to apologize for my feelings.” Quinn sighed, all of the fight leaving her. “I’ll see you around, Santana.”

“Wait, don’t.” Santana grabbed Quinn’s hand, stopping her from leaving. “I’m trying to understand. I don’t mean to be a bitch.”

“Comes naturally, huh?” Quinn smirked, squeezing Santana’s hand so she knew she was kidding.

“Funny.” Santana laughed. “Now, what do you mean?”

“Let’s just drop it. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“No. Tell me.” Santana used her free hand to cup Quinn’s chin and tilt her head up. “Please.”

“Finn dying doesn’t whitewash everything he did,” Quinn spoke quietly. “I’m sorry he’s gone, really, I am. But he still did some awful things to me.”

“And you did shit to him. Did you forget that?” Santana snapped.

“No, I didn’t. Nobody in this place ever let me forget what an evil whore I am,” Quinn retorted. “But somehow Finn’s a prince who never did anything wrong.”

“Quinn, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“It’s exactly what you’re saying and that’s exactly why I didn’t want to come. I’m- I’m allowed to feel however I feel. You’re not going to make me feel bad about it.” Quinn shrugged away from Santana.

“I don’t want you to feel bad,” Santana whispered, hurt when Quinn moved away from her.

Quinn narrowed her eyes at Santana, pissed that it was Santana making her feel so out of sorts. “Yes, you do. That’s what everyone wants. You want tears for Finn. And I did cry. But he wasn’t some sort of saint. I won’t pretend otherwise. And you know, I’m surprised that you don’t feel the same.”

“What? Finn was a good guy.”

“Yeah, a good guy that outed you in the middle of the hallway because you called him fat.” Quinn laughed harshly. “Did he ever apologize for that? I mean a real apology and not some lame ass music week designed to make him look like a hero.”

Santana froze. “I was a jerk to him.”

“Oh, so you deserved to be outed? It was okay that you didn’t get to choose when to tell your parents? Come on, Santana. I know you’re not over it.”

“What good does it do to rehash all this? Nothing’s going to change. He’s dead,” Santana said, her usual bravado fading.

“Yeah, Finn’s dead. And you’ll never get closure. You’ll never get to tell him how bad he hurt you. Doesn’t that upset you?” Quinn took a few steps toward Santana.

“Why are you doing this?” Santana asked, growing more agitated as they talked.

“You’re the one who wouldn’t drop it,” Quinn pointed out, hands on her hips. “I’m not saying anything untrue. We were terrible to Finn and he was terrible back. The difference is that we were told what heinous people we were for our actions and Finn never was. Doesn’t that piss you off?”

“Yeah, of course it does,” Santana burst out. “Happy now?”

“Thrilled, Santana, this is what I was hoping for when I came here,” Quinn shot back.

“Whatever. Finn never apologized and now he’ll never get the chance. He was a jerk and I never forgave him for what he did. Oh, God.” Santana slapped a hand over her mouth.

“It’s okay.” Quinn came closer to her, grabbing her hands. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t. I’m just awful. How could I say that?” Santana screwed her eyes shut, shoving Quinn’s hand away when she rested it on her shoulder.

“It’s all right. It’s natural to feel that way.” Quinn shrugged. “At least that’s what my shrink says.”

Santana stared at her in a surprise. “You see a shrink?”

“Yes, I’m really screwed up.”

“No kidding.”

“Hush,” Quinn said, slapping Santana’s shoulder. “But seriously, Santana. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling.”

Santana snorted. “I’m sure Kurt and Rachel and everyone else would disagree with you.”

“Yeah, they probably would. Which is why I’m avoiding them.” Quinn blew out a breath. “Being away from this place has been good for me. At Yale, I’m not the girl who got knocked up by her boyfriend’s best friend.”

“No, you’re the girl who banged a professor.”

Quinn rolled her eyes. “I may have exaggerated that a bit.”

“Really?”

“Not the point.” Quinn waved her hand dismissively. “My point is I’m not the same person I was in high school. But that’s all anyone here sees.”

“So? What’s that got to do with Finn?” Santana questioned. She still had no idea what Quinn was talking about.

“I just meant that I feel how I feel. I’m not apologizing for it or tying myself up in knots because of it,” Quinn said, her voice quiet but steady. “If that makes me a bitch, oh well.”

“It’s that easy?”

“Well, it’s not hard.” Quinn grasped Santana’s hand. “I’ve just stopped caring so much what people think.”

“I don’t know how to do that.” Santana looked so much like a little girl that Quinn wanted to wrap her up and never let go.

“I’m not saying that’s what you should do. I just…” Quinn trailed off. She didn’t know if she should continue. Who was she to tell Santana how to live her life. She was just now pulling herself together.

“Just what? Spit it out, Quinn.” Santana turned away, furious all of a sudden. “You always do this. You make me doubt myself.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do,” Quinn replied quietly. She needed to tread lightly here. She recognized the signs of a Santana rant coming on and she wanted to stop that before Santana became so angry that nothing she said would get through to her. “I want you to be okay. I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself.”

“Why shouldn’t I? Finn is dead and I- I’m still so damn angry.” Santana spun back around to Quinn, tears in her eyes. “I can’t even tell anyone I’m angry because they’ll just say I’m selfish.”

“You’re not selfish.”

“Aren’t I? Isn’t it selfish to be thinking of how I never got the chance to confront Finn about what he did?”

“No, it isn’t. Emotions aren’t something you can control. It took me a while to realize that.” Quinn dared to take a few steps forward, smiling when Santana didn’t back away. “There’s nothing wrong with being mad. It’s just how you express it. If you’re trying to make someone feel bad, then no, that’s not right.”

“That’s what I’m good at,” Santana said, returning Quinn’s smile.

“I know, I am, too. But I’m working on it.” Quinn shrugged. “I don’t have all the answers. But I know keeping it inside isn’t healthy. For one thing, it’s not going to work. It’s going to come out, probably in a way that hurts everyone.”

Santana looked away, her feelings a big jumble. She knew Quinn was right but she didn’t know what to do about it. She had spent so much time shoving everything away that she had no idea how to let it out. “I’m- I’m afraid.”

“Of what?” Quinn asked.

“If I say what I am feeling, what good will it do? Finn’s still dead. It’s not going to change anything at all.”

“It won’t,” Quinn agreed, tilting Santana face until they were staring at each other. “But you’ll get to say your piece. That’s something at least.”

“You want me to be honest? You want me to say what I feel?”

Quinn nodded. “I do.”

“Okay.” Santana scowled. “I’m pissed that Finn never knew how much he hurt me. That he didn’t even really care. That the half-assed apology I did get was really a way for him to feel better and look like a hero.”

“That’s fine.”

“I’m not done yet.” Santana began to walk circles around Finn’s tree, feeling the need to move. “I’m angry that Rachel’s acting like her husband died and not her ex that treated her like crap most of the time.”

“Okay.”

“Still not done,” Santana continued, clenching her fists. “Kurt acts like his and Rachel’s pain is so much greater than anyone else’s. Like he’s freaking special and nobody could possibly understand how he feels.”

“O-okay.” Quinn started to see that she let loose something she wasn’t actually prepared to deal with right now.

“Nope.” Santana stopped pacing in front of Quinn, looking her dead in the eyes. “And I’m furious that you haven’t talked to me since our two time thing at Mr. Schuester’s wedding.”

“I- What?” Quinn’s eyes flew open. The rest of Santana’s complaints were expected but she didn’t anticipate that.

“You heard me, Quinn. You freaked out and ran back to Yale, forgetting all about me.” Santana was amazed at how much better she felt. She didn’t feel nearly as guilty about Finn. And telling Quinn that she was pissed at her was a relief, too.

“Hey, the phone works both ways. You never called me, either.” Quinn recovered from her surprise quickly. She wasn’t going to let Santana blame her for everything.

“Please, you’re the straight girl I corrupted. I couldn’t risk you freaking out, which is obviously what you did.” Santana glared, a little intimidated when Quinn glared right back.

“No, I didn’t. Which you would know if you’d been in touch. I- I haven’t exactly been shy since I got back to New Haven.” Quinn smirked at Santana’s confusion. “You don’t know everything about me. When I got back, I- I hooked up with some other girls.”

“I guess I don’t know everything,” Santana said slowly, stunned by the thought of Quinn with other girls.

Quinn bobbed her head, slightly embarrassed. “When we didn’t talk after, I figured that was that. I didn’t want to be that girl that pestered you but I wanted to explore.”

“You found some girls to explore with?”

“Yeah.” Quinn nodded. “And I had a fight with my mom and wanted to get to her so I posted some pictures of some girls to Facebook.”

“Nice.” Santana laughed, picturing the look on Judy’s face. Then, she pictured Quinn with another girl and sobered very quickly. “Was it worth it?”

“It was.” Quinn tried very hard to be casual, even though she was terrified of Santana judging her. “I feel silly for wanting to prove something to my mom but I don’t regret what I did with those girls. I enjoyed it.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Quinn was firm. Those few weeks when she went on a bit of a girl rampage had been good for her. It helped her discover who she was and what she liked. She wouldn’t do it again. She really believed that sex was special and shouldn’t be thrown around casually. But she wasn’t going to apologize for any of what she did.

Santana knew not to make a joke here, she could tell Quinn would think she was teasing her instead of trying to ease the tension. “I’m glad you’re happy. I wish I could’ve helped you. I know all about identity crises.”

“I wish you could have helped me, too.” Quinn smiled wistfully, thinking back to those days right after they slept together. She hadn’t panicked but she couldn’t make herself call Santana, either. She’d convinced herself that Santana would make the first move. Which was pretty ridiculous now that she thought of it. For all her bravado, Santana was as insecure as she was. “We handled this all wrong. We should have talked after.”

“I know.” Santana took Quinn’s hand and laced their fingers together. “I just didn’t want to push you into something you didn’t really want.”

“And I thought if you wanted me, you’d tell me.”

Santana laughed. “We’re a mess.”

“We are,” Quinn agreed, stepping closer. She looked down at Santana and couldn’t help but smile. It had been a long time since they’d been this close. “But it’s okay. Eventually, we’ll get it together.”

“I want that,” Santana whispered. She slid her arms around Quinn’s neck, tugging gently until their lips were barely touching. “This’ll be crazy.”

“Of course it will. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be good.” Quinn kissed her deeply, hands moving over Santana’s back. She’d been thinking about this for so long. She couldn’t resist her now that she had the chance.

“Mmm.” Santana sighed against Quinn’s mouth. “This is probably a bad idea.”

“Maybe so but I thought we’d agreed we wanted it.” Quinn chased Santana’s lips. She wasn’t going to let Santana push her away.

“That’s not what I meant.” Santana scratched Quinn’s scalp, grinning when she practically purred. It felt good hearing Quinn lose her mind over something she did. “We’re in public. Someone could see us.”

“I don’t care.”

Santana had to pull back at that. “Really?”

“No.” Quinn stepped back, peering down at Santana. “I spent my whole life caring what other people think of me I’m done. I am who I am and everyone else is going to have to deal with it.”

“That’s great.” Santana couldn’t tear her eyes away from Quinn. She had always been beautiful but this confident, unapologetic woman in front of her was so different from the one she used to know.

“Listen, I understand if you’re uncomfortable, if you don’t want to be affectionate in public. It’s okay.” Quinn watched Santana shuffle around nervously and she didn’t want to put any pressure on her.

“That’s not it. Really, it’s not. Once you’ve been outed via TV commercial, you get pretty good at ignoring other people.” Santana gestured at the tree in front of them. “We’re at Finn’s memorial. It’s a little creepy.”

“Oh. Right.” Quinn reached out, taking Santana’s hand. “So, if I were to ask you out, you wouldn’t have a problem?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Good to know.”

“Quinn!” Santana glared at her.

“Couldn’t help it.” Quinn softened. She loved to tease Santana but couldn’t resist that look on her face. “Santana? Will you go out with me tonight?”

Santana couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “There’s nothing I’d like more.”

“Good.” Quinn leaned in, pressing their lips together briefly. “Seven okay?”

“Perfect.” Santana backed up, shooting a glance at Finn’s tree. “Should we pray or something?”

“Maybe we should just say good bye.”

Santana bit her lip, feeling out of sorts. “Bye, Finn. I’m sorry we never got to settle things.”

Quinn held onto Santana’s hand, squeezing as hard as she could. “Finn, I’m sorry we treated each other so badly. I hope you’re happy wherever you are.”

“We’re going to be okay, right?” Santana asked as they walked away.

“Okay? We’re going to be amazing.” Quinn hung onto Santana. She wasn’t letting her go for a while. Their adventure was just beginning.


End file.
